Its Mania. It’s the biggest show of the year. Its words about the biggest show of the year. Ye intae it? thats aw I’ve got tae ask ye ma man. Are ye intae it? Is Hulk Hogan gonnae be the hostess wae the mostest or is he gonnae slevver through everything he does and make the whole hing awkward as fuck? Whits Stone Cold gonnae be daein? will it be some backstage pish or is he gonnae stunner every cunt in that battle royal and win it for himself? Whits Brad Maddox gonnae be uptae, apart fae fillin jam jars wae the sweat he wrings oot his boxers? and last but not least, will we see CM Punk? Should we gie a fuck if we dae or no?
Aw these questions will be answered over the course of a 6 hour show. That’s right mate aye, 2 hour pre-show, 4 hour main card. 6 hours. 6 hours and we couldnae get a Cesaro vs Ziggler 60 minute iron man match in there somewhere. It’s a fuckin travesty.
Whitever man…wrestling.
The Usos vs Rybaxel vs Los Matadores vs The Real Americans (WWE Tag Title Match)
I hear this is on the pre-show, meaning nae Usos on the main card, meaning FUCK YEES. Not only is this an overbooked pile of shite that belongs on Smackdown, its been deemed so irrelevant that it disnae even make the main card. I swear tae fuck if they book The Usos tae drap the belts here, I’m gonnae shite in a polly bag, freeze it and yase it tae beat John Lauranitis tae death. I know it probably wont be his fault like, but I just hate that cunt and his daft glaikit face in general. I hope Hogan sings “they are The Real Americans, fight for the rights of every man” when The Real Americans make their entrance, cause that would be super unusual and mad hilarious bro. Ye know? Ach I’m just disappointed mate. There’s so much they could have done wae some many folk in this match, but instead we’ve got the usual overbooked eyesore of a tag match that we seem tae get wae every landmark Wrestlemania. Should’ve had Cesaro uppercuttin everycunt on the roster instead. Two dunts for David Otunga, cause he’s a fuckin useless David Otunga bastard n I hate his stupit face.
Prediction – Usos retain
Prediction that makes ma erse clench up real tight – Los Matadores win the belts, turn heel and take their masks aff tae reveal that they’ve been Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas the whole time. Sleekit kiddy on Mexican bastards.
Andre The Giant Memorial 30 Man Battle Royal featuring….the mid-card
I dunno if its commendable that there’s at least been some effort made to have most of the mid-lower card guys involved on the grandest stage of them all, or if this match was born out of laziness cause creative couldnae be fucked writing anything decent for any of these cunts, but either way I don’t gie a fuck. It’s a fuckin battle royal man, stop talking about it and building it up like it matters a fuck. Aw these guys would rather be stuck in that overbooked tag match or some shite involving a briefcase filled wae Virgils teeth on a pole. One positive that cannae be overlooked is the fact that big Drew will be involved I spose, although it’ll probably be for about 15 seconds before Sheamus Brogue Kicks his heid haufway back tae Ayrshire (anytime I type Ayrshire, it’s always “Ayrshite” I type first, fuck knows why, cause I find Ayrshire tae be a charming toon, riddled wae gid ice cream and swing parks)(mini-golf anaw)(I don’t hink I’ve ever been tae Ayr tbh)
There’s three spots still open, so I imagine its gonnae be Hogan, Sammartino and Giant Haystacks filling them. Or it might be some other, more realistic cunts. Who gies a shite. Unless one of them’s Joe Coffey or Kurt Angle, it can bolt. One will most likely be that Rusev cunt, he’ll win it and then we’ve got ourselves a brand new Vladimir Kozlov, just whit we were needin.
Prediction – Big Show wins in a depressingly predictable shiter of a finish, mirroring the finish tae the WM2 battle royal, where Andre chucked Bret Hart on top of The Anvil
Prediction that makes ma baws swell up tae watermelon like proportions – Dolph Ziggler wins it. Calls Orton oot. Orton agrees tae an impromptu title match cause he wis just buzzin glue and he’s no gien a fuck. Ziggler wins it. Ziggler main events WM30.
AJ Lee vs aw the other divas (WWE Divas Title Match, first fall wins)
Fuckin..whit is this? Ye finally get a strong character as Divas champion, who’s also a crackin wrestler given the right opponent, and ye give her a title reign befitting of her talents, only tae end it this way? Cause its gonnae end mate. One fall tae a finish, with 13 opponents, unless they’re booking her strong as fuck and building her up for Paige arriving on the main roster, she’s drappin the belt. Bet its tae a fuckin Bella anaw. Och fuck sake, imagine if the shite Bella wae the fake dids is the one tae end it? Imagine that AND Cena beats Bray and they go up the road together, sookin each others boabies and pattin each other on the back hinkin “job well done” Ya fuckin pair of vultures yees. The match will obviously be a fuckin mess. Its 14 Divas in the ring at the one time, and only 4 or 5 of them are passable wrestlers. Another overbooked pile of fuckin dung.
Prediction – A bella or some other naecunt aff total divas wins it
Prediction that gies me a 90 degree stauner – AJ retains, or Nattie takes it. Summer Rae would be decent anaw. Is Emma in it? Well Emma tae. Tamina anaw. Anyone else bar them but? nut. Awrite I’d mibbe be able tae get on board wae Aksana as champ tae, cause belts are sexy, and Aksana looks lit an incredibly durty version of Morticia Addams. If Morticia wis Eastern European, and loved the smell ae a right gid catsuit.
The Shield vs Kane and The New Age Outlaws
Naw listen, I feel like I’m being awffy negative so far, so I’ll gie this a wee chance eh. I mean it might be good…right? The Outlaws have been fuckin excellent in the ring since starting this wee twilight run, and Kane is in the shape of his life, but here’s where I struggle wae this as a match….its a real problem mate, it’s just that….well…so fuck? Whit does this match do for anyone really? Assuming The Shield win it, it does fuck all tae elevate them. The defeat does ride all for Kane and The Outlaws, so whits the story? Is this all a front for The Shield finally breaking up? As much as I’m no quite ready tae be seein that, it’s the only thing that could happen that wid make this shit even a wee bit relevant. Then we have aw 3 of them main eventing RAW the next night in a triple threat match, and the winner gains the strength and ability of the other two, leaving them reduced tae hollow shells in S.W.A.T gear. Know whit else…home come they didnae somehow work Harper n Rowan intae this match instead of The Outaws? say Kane offers Bray a wee deal that ensures Super Cena disnae make an appearance in their match if he gies him a wee loan of his cronies. It gets two deserving wrestlers on the card, and adds a we bit spice tae an already flamin hoat match that Bray n Cena have on the go. But this is the match we’ve got n we’ll need tae just fuckin make dae wae it.
Prediction – Shield win, apathy abounds, Reigns spears Billy Gunn so forcefully his erse swaps places wae his face, making him quite literally an Ass Man.
Prediction that would evoke excitement and abject horror aw at once – The Shield split. Ambrose turns on the other two, and cuts a promo about how he befriends stray dugs and teaches them how tae pickpocket folk. Reigns releases an album of acapellas wae him shirtless on the cover, solidifying the face turn.
The Undertaker vs Brock Lesnar
This will be a wonderful match. Quite possibly the best on the card if these two can click the way they used tae 10 years ago, but it’s just got nae heat tae it ataw if ye ask me. Exploiting the Paul Bearer death for cheap heat added a lot tae the Punk vs Taker feud, but dye know whit really made it special? Punk showing up for his fuckin work every week and building it properly. Thats whit ye need tae build any feud, at least one half of it on the show every week, selling it tae ye. Taker and Brock have only came face tae face 3 times in the lead up tae this match, and thats just no cuttin it if ye ask me. Especially when the angle they’ve went wae is about as unoriginal as it fuckin gets. Brock Lesnar is the only man who can end the streak aye? Sounds like a variation of the same tired auld shite Trips wis reelin out for two years. Lookin forward tae the match though, that I will tell ye. I’m content that its gonnae be right gid, but I wish I gied mare fucks. I wish they somehow made it a triple threat wae Punk involved. Imagine that? Punk gaun against the two cunts who gave him two of the best matches of his career last year, but AT THE SAME TIME. Its ok when it’s in a three-way.
Prediction – Taker wins
Alternative Prediction – Taker wins. Taker always wins.
Daniel Bryan vs Triple H (Winner enters the WWE World Heavyweight Title Match, loser gets the pleasure of not having tae wrestle Batista)
I’ll tell ye suhin, Triple H has been fuckin unreal in this feud. I genuinely don’t think I’ve seen better heel work fae the cunt, and he’s buried about a million folk, and their da’s. I dunno whit makes this so good, maybe its the fact that he’s been a bit self deprecating in some of the promos, but its been fuckin perfect if ye ask me. The months of keeping DBry away fae the aw the belts, and occasionally stompin him the fuck out have led tae this. The beginning of a movement. The Yes! movement shit can get a bit cringey at times, but the main hing is that its working. Its adding tae the feud, and giving this shit plenty of heat. This match for me is the opposite of Taker vs Brock. Perfect build up, genuinely no sure who’s winning, but the only real doubt is that the match will live up. I’ve never disliked Trips as a wrestler, and I widnae say he’s a 4 outta 10 wrestler like oor Bret preaches, but he barely makes it tae 6 outta 10 if ye ask me. Good storyteller, but his move-set bores the shite oot me. Always has. Its no changed in at least 10 year anaw. Grado at least tried a moonsault wan time, can we no see Trips huv a wee go at a Shooting Star Press? Worst case scenario he lands on that beak n straightens the fucker oot.
Prediction – DBry wins clean. The whole of New Orleans ejaculates simultaneously and rush of semen impregnates the Atlantic Ocean. The Atlantic Ocean gives birth to a beautiful baby boy named Frank, and he makes love tae our earholes wae his wonderful musical stylings. Or DBry just wins…
Prediction that makes me smile a wee bit, but I don’t tell anycunt about it – Trips wins. Clean. Dominant. Buries DBry under a pile of auld jockstraps and Shad Gaspards contract extension which he tore up in his face whilst laughing maniacally. Triple H literally buries Daniel Bryan. Wanders intae the title match later, and fingerpokes both Orton and Batista. Down they go. He pins them baith. Walks out wae aw the titles and quite literally tucks DBry intae his back pocket.
Bray Wyatt vs John Cena
This is what it’s all about. This is why I don’t understand the mid-card has being built so poorly, cause this is an example of how ye can get yer audience invested in storyline over a number of months, leaving them absolutely soakin wet at the prospect of finally seeing the match. Why they didnt do this wae Goldust vs Cody, and perhaps Cesaro vs Swagger I dont know. Is a half arsed battle royal better than having a right solid mid card wae feuds that ye gie a shite about?
Anyway, this will be fuckin…….wonderful. The whole build up has been something special and it aw feels like its leading tae a moment that gonnae go down in history. One era ends, and another truly begins. I’m no saying Cena has fuck all left to give btw, far from it, but his time is up…Bray Wyatts time is now (went for the cheap pop there..did it work? are ye erect?)
Cena is hell-bent on protecting his legacy and that’s aw well and good mate. Ye can give it a right good go. A legacy built on colourful t-shirts, slogans and shite freestyle rapping while ye slowly but surely became a decent wrestler. Gie the cunt his due, that’s exactly what he’s become. One of the very best in the company when ye put him in there wae someone good. He’s constantly improved as a performer and ye can dae nothing but admire that, but at the same time, I’m fuckin done wae it. I’m done wae his coupon, and the same promo about some people loving him and some people hatin him. I’m done wae the champ being here. You’ve been the champ too many times mate. The spotlight’s still on ye, but it gets duller wae every passing year. Every new wristband, and brightly coloured tap. Its done. Its aw over. It has to be fuckin over.
Bray Wyatt can dae it. Bray Wyatt and his bone chilling mic work. Bray Wyatt and his ability tae look like he’s dismantling cunts limb fae fuckin limb when he knocks fuck out them in the ring. Bray Wyatt and his presence. The way him, that beard and that mind bending crab walk can turn any segment intae a captivating one. Bray Wyatt has everything, and its about time we had a truly creepy, wonderful bastard at the forefront of WWE again. Takers time’s up in that respect, as his stuttering promos and steamin auld guy stumbling routine wid indicate, so its time tae let him rest up. Huv Bray win this clean, and convincingly and build him up as the only guy who’s truly capable of getting in Takers heid and ending the streak. Spend a whole fuckin year building that up, and making people believe that he’s worthy, cause he’s the only cunt that is. It makes little sense for Takers streak tae ever end, unless it can elevate the man who does tae iconic status and gie him a platform tae be one of the main men in the company for years tae come. The only man who fits the bill is Bray Wyatt. DAE IT.
Prediction – Bray Wyatt wins cleanly. Carves a wee buzzard intae Cenas chest wae a compass, pits lighter fluid in the wound and sets it on FIYAH!….or eh, he probably just beats him eh? But I reckon SOMETHING big will happen in the aftermath if he does get the win. Somethin that lets everyone know, Cenas time is up. His teas oot. HE OUTTTTA HERE.
Prediction that disnae bear thinkin about – Hogan comes oot n makes the match No DQ, so it basically turns intae a 3 on 1 handicap match. Cena leathers aw 3 Wyatts, and Bray taps instantly tae that fuckin abomination of an STF. I greet tae theres nae moisture left in my body, then I go tae a hospital, get put on a drip tae replenish my fluids…and I greet some more.
Randy Orton vs Batista vs Daniel Bryan/Triple H (that means just one of them, no some sorts hybrid) (WWE World Heavyweight Title Match)
This match is all about limiting the damage Batista can dae. Keep him quiet. Keep him occupied wae a sudoku book or suhin, basically keep the cunt tae fuck away fae the wrestling as much as possible. No that he’d have a hope of staying upright if he wis involved wrestling wise for more than 2 minutes, cause thats when the slanty diddied prick starts heavy breathin and askin cunts in the front row if they’ve got a blue inhaler on them. As much as I’d enjoy the dynamic if its Triple H that ends up in the match, I reckon the match itself will sook baws, so for me it has tae be DBry tae make it decent as a wrestling match. There’s always the chance of some kinda tomfoolery leading tae it being made a fatal 4 way, and there’s always that wee bitta lingering hope that Punk gets involved somehow, but if they dae it as planned, this match has aw the potential tae be fuckin shite.
I hope it isnae though. For aw the slaggin I gie the big wank, I hope big Dave gets his shit together long enough tae make this easy on the eyes. I hope Orton brings the viper tae the party (and naw…”the viper” isnae a euphemism for his cock…minds oot the gutter) and I hope that DBry gets in amongst the pair of them, knees their heids clean aff n stoats oot wae a couple of shiny belts that he quite obviously deserves.
Prediction – DBry walks oot wae aw the belts.
Prediction that gies me a stauner ye could dae gymnastics aff ae – The match is made a fatal 4 way, and Trips, Orton and Bawheidsta aw team up tae knock fuck outta Bryan. Punk jumps oot fae the crowd wae a kendo stick and a bazooka in hand. Puts the bazoka doon cause its right heavy, and wields the kendo stick like a mad man. Takes oot Batista, Orton and Trips wae ease. Him n DBry share a wee hug, before he stoats err n pins Orton tae become the champ. Whilst doing that, Punk sneaks back out n grabs the bazooka then KABLAMO! blaws Bryan tae smithereens. Wee bits of beard and brain matter aw err the first 5 rows. Rivalry begins between CM Punk and the memory of Daniel Bryan. Punk still manages tae drag better matches ootae Daniel Bryans ghost than he could wae Ryback.
So wrestlemania eh. The biggest show of the year and a lot of the card disnae thrill me, but its an occasion. Ye get dressed up, ye douse yersell in aftershave and ye make sure yer pubic area is tidy, cause anything can happen when Mania’s oan. What happens at Mania…STAYS at Mania..amiright? amiright or amiwrang?
The Steak continues, the era of Bray begins and fuckin………….DANIEL BRYAN FINALLY GETS WHIT HE DESERVES! Aw man, I wisnae really intae the idea of DBry winning the belts much, cause its been such a long drawn out process, ye just assume its never gonnae happen for him, but I really believe it’s now. He gets a proper run and he fuckin kills it.
Whitever yer daein for Mania, try no tae die eh. Thats my only advice. If ye were considering daein shit that might lead tae ye endin up deid…just don’t fuckin bother. Drink responsibly, dont smoke an excessive amount of crack (a wee bit’s awrite but) and dye know whit? fuckin enjoy yersell. You deserve it. You’ve earned it buddy.
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