ICW Shugs House Party 3 Preview

On the 4th of November 2012, ICW hosted Fear and Loathing 5 in The Classic Grand. At that time I still didn’t know a huge amount about the company but I’d already seen Stevie Boy jumping off a balcony, Big Damo (medium-sized Damo at that time) run a cheese grater over Jimmy Havoc’s heid, and the debut of Fergal Devitt in ICW, up against Wolfgang in a match that completely changed the way I saw wrestling as an adult, so I knew I was interested in whatever the fuck this mental shit was. The main event that night was supposed to be a fatal 4 way between the former members of a stable known as The Gold Label for Red Lightning’s ICW Title, but a personal issue meant James Scott was unable to compete in the match. Would have been easy enough to explain the situation and still go with the triple threat eh? Maybe even more simple in terms of keeping the story about The Gold Label storyline coming full circle, but instead Mark Dallas chucked a 19 year old Noam Dar in at the deep end and the special talent we see trotting all over the globe bringing joyous Judaism to the masses didn’t disappoint. Putting in a fine performance before being eliminated first and allowing the storyline to play out in his absence. The fact that Dallas wanted him in that main event when a spot opened up, and the fact that he had been booking him since he was 16 is proof that while Noam Dar has always been an immense talent, that talent needs a platform before it really matters a fuck, and ICW gave Noam Dar a platform to grow in front of mature, at times more difficult audiences than he would ever face on family friendly shows. ICW, Mark Dallas, and Noam Dar have forever been synonymous with each other and at a time where Noam Dar’s star has never shone brighter, he has the chance, alongside his best pal and a partner yet to revealed, to write himself into ICW folklore before no doubt jetting off into the sunset to become everyone’s favourite Scottish jew at the performance centre.

While Noam Dar was in main events for the ICW Title as far back as 2012, Joe Coffey was almost a mythical figure back then. I’d been to a few shows and heard a bit about him but was yet to see him wrestle. He was that guy over in Japan learning his craft. It was only when I eventually did see him in ICW in a match against Sean Maxer, that it became apparent why people had been talking about him even in his absence. Joe Coffey could fucking go. Between that match and where he is now, he’s went on a journey that’s seen him add various strings to an already impressive bow and on the same night Noam Dar has the chance to make his name part of ICW legend, Joe Coffey also has the opportunity of a lifetime at his feet. A match in the main event of an IPPV against one of the most heralded talents in Europe and good friend into the bargain in Big Damo for the richest prize in European Wrestling. That’s what the ICW Title is, like it or not. The audience you are exposed to as ICW Champion is bigger than any audience you might be exposed to holding anyone else’s belt in Europe, and Joe Coffey has earned this. He earned it with show making and on the odd occasion show saving performances in that ring, and there’s no doubt in my mind that even though its took a while to get there, the position Noam Dar and Joe Coffey find themselves on the eve of a huge show and ICWs first IPPV on the Fite Network is one that reflects the immense amount of talent they possess. Folk like to talk about how politics and the auld pals act allows others to have opportunities they deserve in wrestling but fuck aw that. Its shite and it always has been. If you’re good enough and you work hard enough, you’ll get to where you want to be no matter what and there’s no doubt this is where Joe Coffey and Noam Dar want to be. The main fuckin men. The boys who could be kings.

Lionheart vs Kenny Williams (ICW Zero-G Title Match)

When the bold Hearto won the Zero-G in April, it didn’t immediately feel like it might be a long-term thing. If you said he’d defend against Kenny a few months later at the time you’d probably reckon it was Kenny’s belt. His first run with it was excellent and he lost a lot of momentum when he dropped it to Danny Hope over a year ago now, so it would make all the sense to fire it back on him but then Lionheart fucked it for everyone by being stupidly good at being Zero-G Champion. There haven’t been many better matches in Scotland this year than Lionheart vs BT Gunn for the Zero-G Title, and Lionheart has been tremendous for months now. If you think hating him means he must be shite, yer just not getting it pal. That means he’s got you eating out the palm of the hand he lays the smack down wae, and you’re gonnae hit rock bottom when you see him retain that belt (I wish I was more sorry for that patter, but I’m sittin giggling away to myself about it so fuck ye) and the more upset you get about his success the more it fuels him to be as much of a dick as possible in plain sight. The match could sneak in the back door and steal MOTN, but regardless of its quality, I fancy Hearto to retain. The possibilities of dickishness that come with him continuing to be Zero-G Champion are endless, especially if Dallas gets back to 50/50 and has some sort of scope to fuck with him a bit. Don’t get me wrang here guys n gals, if Kenny wins it he’ll do another standup job with it but with the help of mild shenanigans I reckon Hearto will retain and oh boy, they will boo hard and they will boo long.

Predicition – Kenny Williams commandeers a milk van, drives it into the ABC and gives everyone in attendance a free pint of semi skimmed, completely transforming his gimmick from being the back to the future guy, to being the guy who makes sure your diet has sufficient calcium. Or ye knew….Lionheart retains.

Final Of The ICW Tag Title Tournament – The Local Fire vs Bird and Boar or The 55

It was a gutter when Polo Promotions announced they were done with ICW and we’re probably past the stage of asking its actually legit and not a part of some elabourate storyline involving strike action and the long awaited creation of a wrestlers union. It certainly weakens the tag division to not have talent like that involved in or indeed leading it, but you can only work with the tools at your disposal and the tag tournament up until this point has been entertaining as fuck. Moustache Mountain vs The Filthy Generation had a proper old school ICW feel to it, heavy on gid patter and even heavier on right gid wrestling, and with Joe Hendry and Davey Boy booking their place in the final in Manchester last night that leaves one spot up for grabs to be taken by either The 55 or a cuttla mad Welsh yins called Bird and Boar. With the greatest of respects paid to Bird and Boar, it would be very odd if they’re on ICWs first IPPV and an established ICW team like The 55 aren’t. Having said that, if Bird and Boar win it opens up the possibility of Sha Samuels turning face and joining his real life bestos Grado and Noam Dar in the big 6 man, and how fuckin tremendous would that be? Sha Samuels should never ever ever ever everrrrr be asked to play the good guy. Why would you ask the best villain in British Wrestling to be anything other than a bad bastard? But for one night only it would be sound and cute if the three amigos were allowed to be amigos in the wrestling instead of just cuttin about Silverburn together gien wedgies out to any wee geek that looks twice at them. Feel like we got a bit off topic there.

Prediction – The 55 win in Birmingham and in Glasgow, become 2 time champions, and volley a priest in celebration because that’s whit hard bastards dae when they win shiny belts. Unless the hard bastards are catholics, then the priests volley them. With their boabies.

DCT vs Bram (Steel Cage Match)

When DCT took a literal whipping off Jack Jester around 2 years ago, it was all leading to this. He might as well have whipped his massive baws out, sat them down on the ring apron and went “this right here…this is whit DCT’s workin with…OH!” because he took a fuckin vicious beating and never asked for anything in return. The exposure from being in a match with the ICW Champion at that time was enough to justify getting brutally leathered and now he has a steel cage match on an IPPV against a guy fae TNA. If you’d have told DCT back then, he would have most likely believed you tbh. He’s a guy who has worked his aforementioned giant baws off, so why the fuck wouldn’t he believe you. No matter if he doesn’t even get to chuck a punch at Bram’s exceedingly jabbable face, getting here is victory in itself, but imagine the scenes if the bold yin won. Imagine the carnage if the International Sex Hero calls upon his 15 inch emergency erection and uses the fucker as a javelin pole to propel himself to the outside without even having to fight the big bastard. I mean he probably wants to get a few dunts in after the cunt piledriver’d his wife through a big cake and that, but if it can be avoided and victory is still his he probably widnae mind that much. It won’t be flippy, it won’t be a catch as catch can classic. It’ll be two guys throwing each other about a big steel box, one attempting to avenge a moustache that was cruelly taken from him and a wife with a cake shaped dent in her skull, while the perprator of those crimes doing what he loves best. Knocking fuck out of cunts and being a pure unadultarated dick about it.

Prediction – DCT wins and his tash grows back immediately after the referee’s hand slaps the mat for the 3. 

Legion vs Moustache Mountain and Lewis Girvan

If it unfolds as yer run of the mill,major incident free 6 man tag it’ll be a cracker. That’s what tends to happen when 6 very talented wrestlers combine in 6 man action to settle such matters, but there’s nae way some kind of massive storyline shit isn’t occurring here. There’s too many variables for something big not to go down. Rumours are rife that Tommy End is heading off to pastures new, Trent cost The Sumerian Death Squad their match in the tag tournament, and while they do enjoy battering fuck out each other, there’s clearly a mutual respect between Trent and Whiplash. Whiplash accepting a handshake from Trent when he’d knocked back the offer from the likes of Damo and Joe Coffey in the weeks before says it all. If the result of it is somehow Tommy End vs Mikey Whiplash in ICW, it can’t be a bad thing, but something’s happening. I smell some kind of Trent and Whiplash alliance but maybe I’m way off base. Maybe all 6 of them will stop fighting 5 minutes in, look at each other and go “mon we’ll patch this and be best pals” and all of a sudden you’ve got a 6 man stable of killing machines. Intrigued as fuck by this no matter what happens, and even if Whiplash and Trent do somehow end up on the same side, I hope we see some mouth-watering wrestling from them that makes you openly question how both of them are still alive.

Prediction – Cody Rhodes shows up in full Stardust gear with his hands cupped, before opening them to reveal a dove. The dove starts singing “fuck yer tea….we want Coffey” while the 5 fans in attendance who get the reference nod in acknowledgement, before it flys on to Billy Kirkwoods shoulder and stays there for the remainder of the show, occasionally giving Billy a wee peck on the cheek. 

Team Dallas vs The Black Label (Team Dallas must win for Dallas to remain part of ICW and regain a 50% stake in the company)

With people assuming the third man on Team Dallas will somehow be Renfrew, they might be forgetting the bold BT Gunn also declared himself a Mark Dallas guy the same night Renfrew did, and while it never needs any declaration, there’s also the small matter of BT Gunn being one of the finest wrestlers on planet earth, so why the fuck wouldn’t he be the third guy? I reckon now that it’ll be BT Gunn with Renfrew somehow getting involved and tipping it in Team Dallas’ favour before Dallas re-instates him on RAW the next night (PPVs on a Sunday are followed by RAW on a Monday ok, that’s how wrestling works. I really hope I don’t have to teach you this again) Folk are getting hung up on the possible outcome and that’s all well and good, but the make-up of the match could make it an absolute stoater. Noam Dar vs Drew is always outstanding. Drew vs anyone on planet earth is usually pretty nifty if we’re giving the big evil bastard his due. For me Jack Jester’s best opponent is Grado and they’ll get to lock horns at least a wee bit and Wolfgang could drag a good match out of Viscera. No even 500 pound, could barely move when he was about Viscera, Viscera as he is now. Deid. Whit I’m saying here is that Wolfgang could have a match with a large amount of dead weight and that match would still be good. That’s the joke we’re making, and now that you’ve all laughed yourselves inside out, we’ll proceed with talking about the match. Nae way The Label are winning though, even if its a storyline, I don’t think Dallas would be able to stomach being completely exiled so the fightback starts tonight. Even a team comprised of a Disney prince, a mad chainmail dildo wielding shagger and the big bad wolf wae the sexy suitcase can’t stop Noam, Grado and whoever joins them chalking one up for the good guys. Unless Red Lightning decided to cancel the whole thing, the event itself and wrestling in general. Something that still might happen if we don’t aw shut the fuck up. I don’t even mean at the show mate, I mean right now. Shut it.

Prediction – The third man on Team Dallas turns out to be Jeff Hardy and the match never airs because Brother Nero, and everything ever concerning him both past, present and future has been DELETED!

Big Damo (c) vs Joe Coffey (ICW Title Match) 

I love Damo. Ask anycunt. Aside from his ability and obvious physicality setting him apart, he happens to be one of most genuine and nice guys plying his trade in this mad wrestling carry on and its nice to see a cunt who went from perennially flying under the radar get the rewards years of hard work were definitely due. If you have a problem with Big Damo elbowing the living shite out of anyone who tries to take his belt, that would make you very silly indeed. The rules dictate that if Damo wants to elbow everycunt on planet earth to within an inch of their life, he can. He could elbow all 1,000+ in attendance at this show into oblivion and the only people who could take issue with it are the polis and perhaps military reinforcements if he predictably demolishes the whole police force. ICW is no rules unless stated otherwise and in that circumstance, a guy who has the weight advantage over everyone else in the company would be very smart to lean all of that weight on his opponents, enabling him a free shot to pummel fuck out their skull (with elbows, no boabies) so if ye don’t like it? Fuckin lobby for a rule change or button yer lip and watch the big man smash fuck out of everyone in his path. Damo worked his baws off to get in to a position where utilising such tactics means he STAYS on top instead of seeming to be in an endless battle to get there, and there isn’t one opponent out there he’s too proud to knock the fuck out in the name of remaining the ICW World Champion. Or maybe there’s one and only one…

I do love Damo, I said it at the start there and said a lot of things to back that up so we’ve established I love the big barra, but Joe Coffey has always been my guy and this might finally be his time. It’s always been Joe’s belt, even before he knew it and for 3 years he’s been the guy having the best match on the card more consistently than anyone else. He’s been the guy constantly adapting and improving the overall product he puts out there to create the best impression of himself possible and that hard work led to some of the best feuds and even some of the best one-off matches in ICW history. The feuds with James Scott and Noam Dar produced some fine contests, while his one time only wars against Brian Kendrick and Rhyno were both standout encounters on the shows they were on. Twice in a row he’s been voted as wrestler of the year by the fans. The people who pour their hard-earned money in to this wrestling carry on believe in HIM. The mighty wrestler, the Iron Man, the guy who gets paint on everyone, whitever the fuck you want to call Joe Coffey, he has another opportunity to become ICW champion after over a year of almost haggling with Red Lightning to earn it and he might not get another one if he doesn’t prevail. He might be the one exception to the elbows. He might be the one exception to the win at all costs mentality Damo has adopted because (and I might be wrong here, but as far as im aware….) Damo’s last clean defeat in ICW was at the hands of Joe Coffey in an absorbing match Edinburgh and even putting aside the respect he has for Joe, he’ll want to avenge that properly. Above all else, he’ll want to prove he’s better than Joe and while he very well might be, it’s that professional pride that might be his downfall because it gives Joe a chance. It gives him a glimmer of hope, almost like someone briefly whipped Damo’s magnificent beard clean aff and gave Joe a clean look at his chin for one time only. If he gets a split second, he has to take that chance. He has to wind up that arm and aim high and true. If he does that, it might just happen. We might finally see Joe Coffey reach the mountain top. The ICW World Champion. The king of kings.

Prediction – Nae joke shite. I predict this will be match of the night/week/month/year/decade/century/millennium. 

Aside from all that, we have Liam Thomson revealing his true feelings for Debbie Sharpe, which will do well to top Massimo shoving a haggis pizza in his gub but god bless them for giving it a go. There’s also nae women’s title match and Stevie Boy isn’t on the card so who knows where they end up involved. Will Ospreay is about right now, so if they fired Ospreay vs Stevie on the card for shits and giggles that would be my dream, but yer man Ospreay’s injured so who the fuck knows. I reckon one match will happen that isn’t currently on the card but who participates in it is a fuckin mystery. Maybe it’ll be Juventud Guerrera against Rey Mysterio and we can aw kid on its a 1998 Nitro. Shug’s will be gid. There’s still tickets so get them off ticketmaster and go to the show. Bring a pal. Bring 5. Bring a minibus fulla badgers if ye fuckin want. Its aw happenin and you should be there to oversee the happenings.

Cheers to David J.Wilson for the lovely photos I used. 

PWE 5th Anniversary Weekender PREVIEW

Since going to my first PWE show I’ve only ever missed one in 2 years. No bad considering I’m about 2 hours worth of travel away from the venue, yet PWE’s biggest event to date comes round and yer man here’s fucked it. Barring a minor miracle or a very short-term illness, I’m on that fuckin backshift int ah. Didn’t bother asking anycunt to swap cause I legit thought the shows were on Saturday and Sunday and I have both of those nights off. Even looked at hotels for Saturday so I wouldn’t need to bother travelling back through on the Sunday. For a show that does not fuckin exist. Night one is on Friday. DX vs NAK is on Friday. I’ll be in a shop selling folk their carry oot instead. Fuckin shoot me mate. Wae a gun. In the face.

That’s my own personal lament over and done with, but I committed to writing a preview and I must put my personal disappointment aside to do that as competently as possible. Just because I can’t get excited about two days of wrestling in sunny Ayrshire doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be. I’ll be there on the Saturday, and if I don’t smell an overspill of Friday night’s shenanigans in the air, you’ll all be in for a stern talking to.

Friday night – Show one – PWE – Break it down

Aye whitever. Night one is happening. Aside from Laura Spence turning in to a puddle, these matches will occur. I hope the wrestling is good but its a right muggy night and you all end up sweatin through yer merch. Here’s the card.

Wolfgang vs Big Damo

A classic big hoss fight between two of the biggest guys on the scene today. The thing about it is, while they’ll no doubt knock lumps out each other gleefully in the middle of that ring. Both of them can fly. A flying bear and a flying wolf going toe to toe. For Wolfgang, this will serve as great preparation for Billy Gunn on Saturday. If great preparation means a big hairy tank dropkicks the living fuck out of ye. For Damo, its just another opportunity to show cunt’s he’s the top super heavyweight in this country right now. In fact fuck this country, the world.

Joe Hendry vs Lou King Sharp

Remember the heady days of Lou King Sharp being the tag team champions? Naw? Well we do. And the Local Hero ruined it with some very unheroic tagging. When you have a powerhouse of the tag team game like oor Lou as one half of the team, your role as his partner is to provide hauners in case some dick fae the other team pulls a knife. Instead Joe sunk a knife into Lou’s back and watched as Fight Club sauntered away with his belts. For shame. There’s some real bad blood in this one, so expect them to launch fireworks at each other n shit cause that’s just what happens when a feud gets personal.

Iestyn Rees, Jackie Polo and Mark Coffey vs Grado, Joe Coffey, and Noam Dar

Truly gutted to be missing Jackie Polo’s in-ring debut with PWE. I just miss the cunt in general, so he better be in amongst it the morra night. Maybe since Joe Coffey and Noam Dar are squaring off against their Saturday opponents, Grado and Polo will decide to join the perty and have them some singles action. This match will mainly serve to plant the seeds for Saturday’s wars and I’ve nae doubt the baddies will go away with the win, setting the good guys up for a night of glory on the Saturday. Morning glory. Wee Noam winning a shiny belt type glory.

Fight Club open challenge for the tag titles

The past twice they’ve done this its been GPWA guys who’ve answered the challenges, but its the 5th anniversary weekender and with the greatest of respects to them, this calls for something a bit different. I have two theories as to who’s gonnae answer, it’ll either be a big name team, possibly imported, such as Demolition, The Rock n Sock Connection or Billy n Chuck and Fight Club will retain via shenanigans, OR if it is GPWA guys, the tag team they seem most impressed with is a team called The Purge and if its them, I reckon they take the belts. What better way is there to introduce yourself to a new audience than by stoating in and taking a couple of belts off one of the most established teams in the UK. I personally would like to see the first scenario unfold because Liam Thomson and Kid Fite should have aw the belts. Every tag belt, and a timeshare situation for the singles. Droonin in belts.

Sha Samuels vs Kenny Williams

Sha and Lionheart seem to have become pals, or have built on an existing friendship, and that means more big Sha in PWE. No sayin Hearto just books his pals like, Jackie Polo is on the card so that proves that it’s not the case, but with deeper friendship comes a deeper understanding of how essential it is to have Sha Samuels in all his villainous wonder, stompin cunts all over your show. Kenny Williams always gets a brilliant reaction in Ayr because he’s dead fast and colourful and it reminds the natives of when they get fulla eccies and stick their thumbs in each others eyes up Club De Mar. Tried to do a local reference there but made a pigs dick of it so I did. I just don’t know much about Ayr other than its nice and I go there for wrestling. Sha Samuels and Kenny Williams will definitely happen, and either the bad guy (Sha) will win with a combination of raw power and sleekitness or the good guy (Kenny) will win with a combination of fleet footedness and big heartedness. Either way, it’s going to be a fun time, and I’ll be slingin bottles of tonic n MD to cunts while it’s happening.

The NAK vs DX (X-Pac and Billy Gunn) 

Don’t need to put Renfrew and BT’s name in brackets because the NAK is originals only. You know who they are. The NAK’s hatchets will not be buried for the sake of being reeled out for a re-union every few years. The NAK are not fucking about. They might have done the shakey hands routine with Mr Lionheart to secure this dream match, but it was a means to an end. It doesn’t mean they’re nice guys now. The pleasantries led to this, and that made it worth it. A dream match. A chance to carve a name out globally by carving their names into the skulls of a couple of legends. BT Gunn and Renfrew already chucked some petrol on the fire by showing up during Billy Gunn’s show at walkabout during his last visit and giving him some serious evils, leading to the biggest watergun fight in Glasgow’s storied history. I might be making a bit of that up, but I dunno if I’ve ever been more gutted to miss a match in my puff. Its one of them that most likely won’t ever happen again and the enormity of missing it is now just dawning on me. Fuck sake.

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Saturday night – Show two – DAR WARS!!

Yassssssss. Finally time to type words about a show I can actually fuckin physically be at. A show that fuckin BETTER be joyous and by joyous, I mean rammed wae the culmination of a 5 year journey for Noam Dar, ending with him winning a shiny belt. Absolutely uptae its eyeballs in Joe Coffey getting revenge on Mark Coffey. Teeming wae Wolfgang battering Billy Gunn. It better be fuckin good is what I’m saying and I better have plenty of reports of how night one was “good, but awfy clammy, almost as if someone wished the clammyness upon us and made it so”

Sha Samuels vs Big Damo

The battle of the untamed body hair. Real men don’t wax their shit. Real men don’t shave. Real men don’t wander into traffic in the name of catchin them all. Real men are probably bored a lot and warm as fuck due to the out of control body hair, but they do enjoy fightin cunts! If there’s one thing I know about real men, its that they enjoy a good fight so they dae! Och fuck aw this real men patter. Men come in all forms and if some like to shave their gooch, thats on them. Live and let live. Point is, Sha Samuels vs Big Damo will be some good shit. A bit less agile that yer Wolfgang vs Damo because Sha’s ideal of agility is getting his opponent an extra few inches in the air for that spinebuster, but who needs agility when you’re a mad murderous butcher.

Mark Coffey vs Joe Coffey (2 Out Of 3 Falls) 

A lot of big time shit on the go at this weekender. DX cuttin aboot choppin crotches. Noam going for the gold. Marquee shit. As nice as all that is, as a fan this is the one I’m looking forward to the most. With the greatest of respect to everyone else, but oh wow, we are too blessed here. The Coffeys against each other in a 2 out of 3 falls match is some shit I’ve been dreaming of since first starting to attend Scottish Wrestling shows and while I doubt it’ll happen, it would be rerr if it was shenanigan free. Just two brothers knockin the living shite out each other in the name of knocking the shite out each other. Nae jump-ins, nae hauners, nae nothing. If anything, lets have their Da as the special guest ref and have him separate them every 2 minutes like they were having a kick about roon the back that got a bit too heated and the big man had to intervene. It might interrupt the flow of the match, but it would be hilarious so ultimately very worth it. I fancy this to steal the whole weekender but I’ll no see the Friday show to ascertain if that’s the case and now I’m sad about that again. Fuck sake. COFFEY VS COFFEY BUT. A brother vs brother clash that will be less dilapidated boats, more mad forearms and lariats.

Wolfgang vs Billy Gunn

One faces Big Damo the night before in a rare matchup where Wolfie is actually the smaller of the two guys, and yer man, the el Badass William Gunn has The NAK to contend with, so its very likely this match will simply be two deid bodies lying next to each other for a 10 count. Assuming both, or at least one of them makes it out of night one alive, this match will be stoatin. I expect Mr Erse to take a few crisp powerbombs from Wolfgang, right on that 60 year auld spine of his and for him to completely no sell them because he’s an indestructible walking hard-on. Has to be a win for our Wolfie, disnae matter how much of a baddie he is or how much he batters guy’s I love, he’s the original. The first guy on the Scottish scene I took to and I’ll always chuck the W up for that reason unless he lays a fuckin finger on Mick Foley. Then all bets are off and I’ll be mad at him from afar but won’t do anything about it aside from that because in case you hadn’t noticed, he’s a big scary bastard.

Iestyn Rees (c) vs Noam Dar (PWE Title Match) 

This is really what its all about. I fancy The Coffeys to have the best match of the weekend, and the DX based stuff to get some mental crowd reactions, but this is what it’s all for. The journey coming to an end. Noam Dar was in the final of the tournament to crown the first ever PWE Champion and lost it. Noam Dar had plenty of shots at it when Grado was the main man but couldn’t make it past his best pal. Its now or never because if recent recognition from WWE is anything to go by, we might not be seeing a lot more of Noam around these parts. He needs that big singles title. He’s fuckin earned it getting chucked about and battered fuck oot ae since he was about 15. A 22 year old veteran, whit kinda madness is that? Only in wrestling could that even be a thing, but that’s what he is and he’s doing it. Nae offence to big Iestyn, who hasn’t always been my personal favourite but admittedly had a brilliant match at the last show with Joe Coffey, but its time for you to come up off that gold and slide it on over to the Jewdi Master. The kneebar’s getting locked in and if you don’t tap to that, the Fisherman’s Brainbuster will scramble yer brain cells and see if that’s no getting the job done? Bazooka. Big hole in the chest. Noam Dar win’s the title via TKO on account of his opponent having a basketball hoop where his chest used to be. Iestyn is already the biggest villain in the company, so if he actually retains? Oh fuck. He’s a big lad, but he’ll need a police escort and about 6 bullet proof vests if he’s going to make it out of Ayr alive. Either way, I reckon this match will be pure drama, and Noam will have his moment.

So aye. Come to the weekender eh. I know its a bit late in the day for anyone to take heed of this plea, but don’t be like me. Don’t fuck up and end up having to dae a backshift instead of jumpin through to the ‘shire on a wee train and having a rerr time. Get along to the show, if the weather’s nice maybe get a wee ice cream in the mix. A 99 if ye can get it. Enjoy Ayr and enjoy life in general. Celebrate 5 years of PWE, and hopefully you’ll be celebrating Noam Dar stoating about his home town legit wearing the belt as a belt to hold his trousers up, going about his daily Noam Dar’y business as YOUR PWE Champion. 

 

Inside The Ropes presents…An Evening With Paul Heyman – Review

Ladies and gentleman, his name is……….

You know his name. You know no one says his name quite like he says it, and if he wasn’t happy with how an affable gent like Kenny introduced him, he won’t be satisfied with how a dick like me does it here, so I won’t bother even disgracing his name by saying it. Apart from all the times I do throughout this review, but listen; That’s one of the pitfalls of writing about a specific thing, referring to it is completely unavoidable unless you write for the Daily Sport where articles are merely there because its probably illegal to print a newspaper that’s exclusively tits and phone numbers that connect you to a service dedicated to talking about tits. We’re getting off topic here, the topic is *gulps* PAAAAAUL HEEEEEYMAN and for 2 hours on Friday night, he and Inside The Ropes provided a show that was for the fans. Whatever they wanted from the show they got from the show, unless they were sitting in the front row interrupting every 5 minutes, although maybe what that guy wanted from the show was to be escorted out the side door for being a dick. Who knows mate. I don’t know the cunt, all I know is that he was a dick and if you go to a show where Paul Heyman is talking about wrestling and thing anything YOU have to say about wrestling is more important than what he’s saying, you’re the worst kind of fanny.

Paul began the show by letting us all in on a wee secret. He was oot his bin. Having spent the morning in Amsterdam he was stoned out his box. Maybe he wasn’t really stoned and it was all just showmanship, but it immediately relaxed the audience and let them know they weren’t in for a show that was going to require a lot of brain power. Paul Heyman was going to have you eating out the palm of his hand for the duration, because that’s what he does. He makes the audience give a fuck no matter what it is and as much as I respected his opinion when he said on more than one occasion that he regards Jim Ross to be the best purveyor of the spoken word ever in wrestling, in my opinion its the self professed “Jewboy with the gravelly voice from New York” simply because he could make ANYTHING sound interesting. If Jim Ross spoke to you for hours on end about his new garden shears, for a while he’d make it good. He’d make you wonder why in the name of fuck you don’t own those garden shears, but an hour in you’d get a wee bit sick of hearing him talk about garden shears because there’s only so many things one can say to make such a thing sound interesting. Paul Heyman is a guy who could leave you feeling like you don’t know ENOUGH about the garden shears. That he should tell you more interesting things about the cerebral process a person goes through when it comes to picking the instrument that trims their bushes (steady) and that’s a skill that cannot be taught. As he told the audience, when people suggest to him that he should work on promos with the talent down in NXT, he would really only have one thing to tell them. An attitude that he embodies with every word that comes out his mouth. Believing in what you say is the key. Nothing else matters apart from that, because if you don’t believe what you’re saying as a performer, how the fuck do you expect your audience to believe it?

This was billed as An Evening With Paul Heyman but what Inside The Ropes really presented to the ABC in Glasgow was a free lesson. For anyone maybe wanting to make a career out of wrestling, or anyone who just wanted to learn a bit more, he was giving out a lesson. At the start of the show he asked the audience if they just wanted to hear him talk or if they wanted all the bells and whistles (video packages etc) and they chose just hearing him talk. That’s no knock on the Inside The Ropes guys who always do a great job of structuring their shows well to make sure the paying punters get the absolute best show possible but in this case, the best show possible is letting Paul Heyman cut a 2 hour long promo on us all. He doesn’t need to be guided towards a good show with structure and even a wee visit from a pal like Scott Steiner was because he’s a different kind of performer. With Steiner the material for a good show was there but needed carefully extracted, but Paul Heyman gives you the material. Paul Heyman is the material.

He even referred to a former Inside The Ropes guest and the first show of theirs I ever seen personally, the bold Sunny. Sunny’s show for Inside The Ropes wasn’t terrible despite the performer using it as an excuse to promote her book (before telling us the stories we’d need to read in said book anyway) and photos of a burd who she claimed was her “sister” but in reality was definitely some manner of glamour model/hooker, but compared to the standard of their recent efforts, its not one they look back on with a huge amount of fondness, so to have Paul Heyman sitting on that stage, in typical AC Slater chair facing the wrong way (or the right way depending on your perspective) fashion, talking about how his roster pretty much had their way with her one after the other must have been therapeutic. A clear sign that all the hard work that went in to shows like the Sunny one, and the no doubt challenging tour with Steiner was all worth it. The dream was happening there and then. A huge venue sold the fuck out because the show and presentation of it was just that good. Simple. No matter what you pay for an Inside The Ropes ticket, you’ll get your moneys worth. They aren’t ripoff artists running shows with big names and presenting shite formulaic shows for huge amounts of money. They do this because they love it, and that’s the reason Paul Heyman ever agreed to do it in the first place. I’m sure it was a nod from a guy who’s wrestling career started when he blagged his way into a photography gig for WWE towards two guys (and their team) who started a wrestling podcast in their flat and turned it into sold out tours with living legends.

I have a big list of notes from this show. I could paint a picture of how the night was and go over every single detail but to be perfectly honest, it wouldn’t be the same. It wouldn’t resonate as much as it did hearing the words come out of his mouth because when you have art almost painting itself in front of your eyes, no one telling you about it the next day is going to be able to do it justice. That’s what it is. I don’t think I’ve ever applauded anything more than I did when I applauded his words about how wrestling is simple, and as long as you have two wrestlers, a reason they’re fighting and if that reason matters to the paying audience, you have success. Its that simple and it always has been that simple but it gets bogged down by over complication. It gets bogged down by multi layered storylines with subplots and sub-sub plots and even super secret sub-sub-subterranean-submarine plots when in reality all wrestling fans ever want is a reason to give a fuck. That’s why Paul Heyman is seen as a controversial figure, because he knows people believe the words that come out of his mouth and it will evoke a reaction so even if those things might get the average person in trouble, they won’t get Paul Heyman in trouble because the people listening give a fuck, and in wrestling a lot of the time that’s all that matters. Matt Hardy is a prime example of that, having garnered a level of interest for his storyline with Jeff in TNA based on the ridiculously genius way its being presented, he is now pretty much free to do what the fuck he likes because the people care. They care about aerial assault robots and dilapidated boats a lot more than they care about about Wrestler A fighting Wrestler B for a bunch of reasons no one cares enough to properly keep track of.

He was asked a lot of good questions by the Glasgow crowd which I took some pride in because at time’s we’re dodgy when it comes to that, but the absolute ball he was clearly having when someone asked if he knew ahead of time that Undertaker’s streak was ending was Paul Heyman in his element. No offence to the dude who asked that, but really brah? Of course he did. Its wrestling. He knew because he was directly involved and it would have been fairly stupid not to clue him in, but as soon as the words left that dude’s mouth, the wheels were turning in Heyman’s head. How can I turn this fairly daft question into a way to fuck with hundreds of people, and he did that by presenting a theory without revealing if its true or not. That him, Vince, Brock, Taker and the ref knew about the streak ending in advance, but what if Brock decided to take it? What if Brock Lesnar decided to beat The Undertaker up the point that he could legit get a three count on him and what would the WWE be able to do about it if that happened? Nothing. The streak was too valuable to come out and say what had actually happened, so they’d have to spin it. Play up to it. Make Brock sound like the human decimate-r that he truly is. While he told us things at either end of that “theory” that pretty much confirmed it wasn’t true, he still left us wondering because fucking with hundreds of people at a time is what he does. Fucking with us because its fun and he can and we would all undoubtedly do the same if we were blessed with such a wonderful way with words.

The main thing I took from the way he spoke and the things he said is just a refreshing attitude towards pro wrestling. Most of the time in shows like this you get the impression the person involved is bitter towards wrestling. Blaming it for things that have gone wrong in their lives, attributing it to their personal failures, and you can understand that. Its human nature to lay blame for things away from the source because no one likes to feel like their problems are their own doing, but Heyman didn’t speak like a man who had any ill feeling towards the industry that gave him the platform to do what he does better than anyone. There was no hint of bitterness towards ECW ending, because that’s life. They lost distribution and at a time where the internet wasn’t as big as it is now, that was it. No distribution means no one sees the product and that means its time up. Yer tea’s oot. He wouldn’t change a thing about ECW and is thankful for the amazing run they had and how his crew of misfits were the best thing around for a long time. He then turned to his left and gave a very heartfelt speech to ICW owner Mark Dallas. Recognising him as the only person in that room who was like him. The only person who knows what it is to sink absolutely everything you have to make something work. Every fibre of Paul Heyman’s being was ECW, and the same goes for Mark Dallas and ICW. There’s no clocking in and clocking out. There’s no downtime when you’re driving a runaway train. To hear a legendary figure like Heyman not only endorse a product that is often compared to the one he held so dear, but to endorse the man running it and to THANK him for doing what he does must have been one of, if not the proudest moment in Mark Dallas professional career and a moment he deserved because much like Inside The Ropes themselves, they’ve come a long way in the past few years and the only way that happens is if you burst your arse making it happen.

There was real regret when he was asked about Cesaro. A talent he has a lot of admiration for but never felt like he got the chance to get the very best out of their pairing because it was pretty much an afterthought and a reason for Heyman to be on TV to continue talking about Brock beating the streak. He spoke of admiration for Nakamura and when asked who he’d like to see Brock Lesnar face in the future, his answer was Nakamura because of course it was. Whether its in a wrestling ring or the Brocktagon, Brock vs Nakamura is money waiting to be made and no amount of dodgy piss samples is ever changing that. He spoke of his admiration for Roman Reigns in front of a crowd who really weren’t having it, but he didn’t give a fuck because he’s Paul Heyman and I’m not just saying this as a fan of Reignsy, but he’s right and your wrong. He called Seth Rollins the best in ring performer in the world right now, and in general his tone was so positive in such an entertaining way it was difficult not to be sucked in by it. Unless you were a heckler you were his friend.  No one person was eviscerated during the course of the 2 hours as much as that dude who was eventually escorted out but along with some playful remarks about Eric Bischoff, Heyman did single out Jerry Lawler for a very real verbal beatdown. When its Paul Heyman delivering it, it doesn’t have to even be any longer than a sentence. That sentence being “Fuck you, and your puppies”

I literally couldn’t have said it better myself mate.

Big thank you to David J.Wilson for the photos I used and to Inside The Ropes for a top drawer show. 

 

 

 

 

 

Brock Lesnar – The Undisputed King Of The World

Brock Lesnar was born a sword. See that sword tattoo in the middle of his chest? That was his original form. A sword made from shavings taken from the kneecaps of a giant, mixed in with one of Lou Ferrigno’s front teeth, sharpened by god himself. God was going to hand this almighty blade to any warrior who proved worthy of it, but one day when he was lounging in his study, thumbing through the yellow pages looking for mechanics to pranky, he looked at the sword and seen that a human form had started to grow around it. It became a sentient being, destined to spend the duration of its dwelling here amongst mere mortals chuckin them about like empty suitcases. That was when god himself stepped aside and declared Brock Lesnar to be the king of the world.

Before we proceed, just to clarify, I’m not some Brock Lesnar lifetime fanboy. Truth be told most of the stuff I’ve seen from his first WWE run came via the WWE Network years after it happened, and when he came back I resented him for being a part timer at a time where WWE really needed a full-time superstar but back then I didn’t get it. The picture hadn’t become clear. Its like when you meet a gorgeous new philly at the club, beauty the likes of which you’ve never seen before, so you stare glaikitly at her, salivating uncontrollably, and mentally matching her with pornstars who look a wee bit like her so you can ferociously spank it later on and imagine you pumped her. The thought of actually talking to the philly in question, and forming a real life bond is too much to comprehend. The same thing happened with Brock, I didn’t know what made him so good, then it clicked. It made sense, and it made sense because John Cena made it so.

Because wrestling Triple H is not getting the job done. I like Triple H, but he’s not the guy to get a new audience giving a fuck about the absolute human wrecking machine you have at your disposal. Does anyone think back on the 3 matches they had and remember them like they mattered a fuck? Nah. Not really. Two of them were excellent don’t get me wrong, but did they create lifetime memories? Did they fuck. Because in a fair fight, Brock would leather the beak intae next week. In a straight up scrap, Brock would throw him for miles and be there to catch the cunt when he eventually landed to suplex him again. His first match back against John Cena wasn’t all that brilliant either, but then he done something unheard of and that’s when it all fell into place. That thing wasn’t ending the streak (that was very significant like, but we’ll get to that, patience) that thing was turned superman into  a burstman. That thing was smashin fuck out the face that runs the place. That thing was eviscerating John Cena.

No one does that. They just don’t. No one has ever dominated John Cena like Brock Lesnar did at Summerslam 2014 and they never will again because no one else is worthy. Say what you like about Cena, continue to say he buries folk and ruins the product or whatever tired 2004 patter you can be bothered spitting out but if you’ve been paying attention over the past 6 or 7 years you’ll know he’s consistently one of the main reasons to bother your arse with WWE programming and he was the champion at that time. He was the guy, and Brock Lesnar suplexed his vital organs out. He was the figurehead, and Brock Lesnar set about removing his head. He was and continues to be synonymous with the WWE brand, and it was like Brock Lesnar whipped his probably granite enforced boaby out and pished all over that brand when he battered fuck out its main guy. Call it over simplification, call it just plain shite, but for me that match and that match alone is the reason Brock Lesnar is the biggest draw in wrestling, and one of the biggest ones in mma right now. Because he was allowed to make a character who’s been built on looking extraordinary and almost superhuman look average. Average and downtrodden. All of his own illusions about how good he is shattered. The pedestal he sat upon kicked out from underneath him. Shoulderblades rid raw from landing on them SIXTEEN TIMES. Suplex after suplex. The neverending story of John Cena’s slow, endless death.

Beating the streak is seen as the thing that elevated Brock to his current status as world renowned human thrower but for me it simply provided the assist. No one expected Brock Lesnar to beat The Undertaker because fans of pro wrestling know too much now. In the case of The Undertaker’s streak, they knew how financially signficant Taker having a streak to defend every year was to them. The level of interest in his matches when the streak was still going made them the focal point almost every year and no matter where his match was on the card, it was seen at the main event from Mania 25 to 30, and a few times before that too. It mattered too much for WWE to ever allow it to end in many peoples eyes, and if it ever did it would be a career ending monumental moment that elevated a new talent to another level, but what they pulled off instead was a bit of a masterstroke. They put him in there with a guy who you definitely believed could win. At any other event in any other circumstance he’d probably be favourite to win in truth. But with the Wrestlemania air of invincibility in place, no one expected Brock to do it. Then they got reminded. Brock Lesnar is not normal. Brock Lesnar isn’t wrestling royalty who’s losses to Taker add to the rich story “The Streak” is in its own right. Brock Lesnar isn’t the show stopper, Mr Wrestlemania, born entertainer. Brock Lesnar isn’t the legendary 16 time world champion, wheelin dealin, kiss stealin prennial auld steamin legend. Brock Lesnar losing to The Undertaker would have just been another number, but Brock Lesnar beating the streak changed everything.

The match itself was unfortunately not very good. There theories as to why that was, Taker taking a sare yin early and it affecting him throughout the match (the theory floating about at the time is that they changed the finish to Brock winning because Taker couldn’t physically perform to a level that would make his win convincing which is just so beautifully stupid I can barely handle it 2 and a half years later) but whatever the reason, the underwhelming, methodically paced spectacle it was as a match detracted from it slightly and for me makes Brock’s demolition of Cena more significant in terms of making Brock look indestructible, but beating Taker and creating a piece of wrestling history secured Brock as a legend and made everything he done from that point on carry a bit more weight. His subsequent matches with Taker were much better to watch, and solidified him as a bonafide legend killer. For real this time, not a gimmick given to the worlds shiniest man. Who ironically is supposed to be the next in line for Brock to maul in WWE. Randy Orton is another guy who definitely gets more stick that he’s earned for his role as one of the top guys over the past 10+ years and will no doubt carve out something decent with Brock, but you’d be utterly astounded if Brock Lesnar was to lose to Orton in any way shape or form. Even if Brock pulled out a hunting knife, cut Orton’s nose off with it, and shoved it up his own arse, it would take a brave ref to DQ him.

We all know he’s a wrecking machine, but he’s a smarter man than he’s ever given credit for as well. His main strength is his fucking strength. Plain and simple. He can throw people like they aren’t people, which makes me wonder what happens when he throws things you’re actually supposed to throw. Like is he banned from playing basketball because every shot he takes completely dismantles the basket? How many dart boards have met their untimely demise because of the beast incarnite? But do you know what his weaknesses are? Of course you don’t. You aren’t allowed to. Do we even know if he’s bad on the mic? The fleeting glimpses we get of him saying words always seems to be deadpan and hilarious, but for the majority of the time where he requires his message to involve the utilisation of language he has the best talker in the history of wrestling to do that for him. He’s not one of the many Paul Heyman guys, he’s THE Paul Heyman guy. He’s the only guy who can live up the hype that man can create with simple sentences. He’s the only guy that can deliver performances up there with the expert delivery Heyman uses to hype those matches up. Everything feels like it matters and as long as Paul Heyman exists, Brock Lesnar will be the biggest draw in WWE for as long as he wants to be.

UFC president Dana White referred to wrestling as “fake shit” around a year or so ago in response to a comment about his PPV being 40 dollars and the WWE Network being available for 9.99. Dana White is entitled to his opinion. Dana White is an intelligent guy and must have known the comments would have sparked a bit of backlash from those who hold pro wrestling dear. The word “fake” just isn’t one that’s ever met with any kind of enthusiasm when a pro wrestling fan hears it used in reference to the thing they sink a lot of their time into caring about. No one wants to believe the thing they hold dear is seen as something of a joke to those who don’t understand it. It sparked many people defending pro wrestling and the physical toll it takes on the people who do it for a living. The risks involved in it. They needn’t have bothered though. When Brock Lesnar was announced to be on the card for UFC 200 against one of the most dangerous heavyweights they have, Australian one punch knockout artist Mart Hunt, they had their defence.

That was the opportunity for pro wrestling to stand up for itself. Even if he doesn’t love pro wrestling as much as many of the people who follow and are involved in it, Brock Lesnar was its designated defender at UFC 200. Brock Lesnar stood up for every bit of blood spilled in a pro wrestling ring. He stood up for every broken bone, every concussion, every bump and every bruise ever sustained. He stood up for the up and coming talents trying to make it in an unforgiving business, and he stood up for the broken men who gave up the best part of their lives to be continually beat up in the name of “fake shit” and when he stood opposite Mark Hunt, he stood opposite an animal. A guy that would have knocked oor Brock spark out if he gave him even a passing glance at his chin, and do you know what happened? Brock Lesnar flung that big bruiser about like wet washin. He made him look like a chubby Da who was almost late for the fight because his shift as a bouncer at the casino next door ran later than usual cause someone was caught counting cards and he had to escort them out by the armpits. He made nullified his main threat and took a lot of stick for doing so, almost like a lot of people actually WANTED him to leave his chin open, get embarrassed and knocked clean out. He took all the notoriety and name value he earned from that “fake shit” and made the “real”shit look easy. Its not easy of course. But it is when you’re Brock Lesnar. The undisputed king of the world.