WWE Extreme Rules 2014 Review

 

 

Whit an extra special treat yees are in for btw. Fuckin THREE Extreme Rules reviews gaun on this here site mate. Three. Will three dae ye? Is three enough? TOUGH SHITE IF IT ISNAE. The option of upgrading to 5 is not available, cause this is literally everyone I know.

Anyway, here’s my attempt. It probably wont be as thorough as previous ones cause I cannae be arsed, and I figure if I miss anything important, one of my staff will pick it up. I widnae call them reliable, or even competent but they are human beings with feelings so don’t judge their substandard efforts too harshly eh…with that being said…FUCK THE RIOTS. 😉 (in this case Davie and Connie are the Riots, cause ye see, they’re a coupla fuckin riots! thats the joke)

Fine. I’ll review a fuckin wrestling show then.

WWE RAW Review 07/04/2014 (POST MANIA RAW..GET HYPE)

 

Sometimes I litter these wee intro’s wae shite talk. A wee long winded joke or suhin. Lets ye settle in and sets the tone for whits tae follow, but this show needs none of that. This show spoke for itself, and it spoke loudly and proudly. It spoke wae its baws oot, and it spoke whilst waving them aboot. This is the post Wrestlemania RAW, and as usual, it was a wee bit special.

We start off wae a stunning wee video package for Daniel Bryan. WWE always fuckin nail these things eh? The VT for the Wyatt vs Cena feud was magical anaw, and this yin pretty much filled ye in on the whole Daniel Bryan story for anyone who might not have been in the know. Shows ye aw the heely goodness that we’ve had fae Triple H n Stephanie McMahon, and builds it up beautifully tae the moment he finally took the belts for keeps at Mania. I shed a wee tear. Nae shame. Wrestling has me again. In its fuckin clutches, and I think if ye call yersell a wrestling fan and yer no in the same boat, its probably best that ye stop kiddin yersell on. This isnae for you if ye haven’t found yersell totally invested, and on the verge of emotional wreckage after something that happened at Wrestlemania. Its over for ye. Deid fae the soul up. Pointless going on really int it? Can ye even taste food? Dae ye even crack a smile when birds chirp a merry tune while ye walk? I don’t think this is for you. This ‘life’ ye claim tae be living. Cause whit is life without the wee things that make yer heart race, and get lost in dalliances wae shirtless antics. Whit is life without the moments that send aw yer blood, sweat, tears and spunk spillin oot every orifice. Whits the point? whit is life without wrestling?

Sorry I got a bit carried away there, but I’m sittin here watchin Daniel Bryan lead a packed arena in a thunderous YES! chant, and I’m gettin emotional mate. Its been a turbulent few months for me personally anaw, and I feel like me n DBry have emerged fae it aw together. Climbed oot the wreckage as bearded brothers in arms….triumphant. He lets them chant his name for a gid 2-3 hours, before we eventually hear fae the champ. The champ is here. He lets us know about the stuggles he’s faced having tae raise his arms wae that YES! chant wae a title in each haun. Too heavy. Then…aw man, I cannae greet again. I’m aw cried out. Tear ducts are wilting. A fuckin “you deserve it!” chant? Come on tae fuck. I couldnae handle it. Too much emotion. Too much everything. If ye were losing interest in Daniel Bryan and his pursuit of the belt, the emotion involved in this promo must have brought ye back. Surely it did. It had tae.

Then the Beak came oot wae his delectable wench in the wee black dress. Guys I’m mildly obsessed wae the idea of seein these two pump. No gonnae lie tae ye. I think it would be refreshing tae sit down and watch a celebrity sex tape that ye don’t feel a deep sense of shame about chuggin yersell daft tae it. Aw I really need is tae see if Steph is as flexible as I imagine. Basically I envisage a scenario where she can wrap her legs roon a Range Rover and no split hersell in two. That’s aw I need tae see, anyway..they’re out tae shout at DBry for a while, but Hunter vows no tae get in the ring incase he does something tae DBr he might regret. DBry stauns right in his coupon and hoists they belts towards the sky as they aw bathe in another magnificent YES! chant. Trips announces that his wee moment is just that…a moment, its his show, and he’ll dae whit ye wants, and dye know whit he wants? a title shot. So he went n gied himself wan in the Main Event TONIGHT. Cracker of a main event tae be announcing right enough, but it also made yer erse clench up real tight cause there wis a very real concern that it might end before it even gets started. A wee part of me has a right chubby over the prospect of Trips in aw his beaky heely glory, staunin over stricken DBry n lifting the belts towards the sky as he toasts World Title reign number 14 wae his most proficient burial of all, but see at the same time? naw. Lets no dae that. Yer time’s been and gone Trips ma man, Daniel Bryan is here tae be at the forefront of the new era, and the futre’s bright. The future’s beard.

WWE Wrestlemania 30 Review

Nothing’s the same.

No matter how hard ye try tae sugar coat it, explain it away with logic and clear thinking, and even explain it away wae conspiracy theories if that’s yer thing (it shouldn’t be btw) there’s nae words for it ataw, ye just wake up wae this unshakeable feeling that the course of the world have been altered for good. Yer children will watch something inherently different fae the thing you watched when ye brainwash them intae (not optional) wrestling fandom, yer children’s children probably wont even know about the way it was before ataw, cause by that the internet will become an environment ye can physically enter, and when that becomes the case, everycunts gaun straight for the porn, while the ghosts of wrestling past sit in a wee room. Ignored. Longing for hits. Longing for you to care.

It all changed last night. Nothing’s the same. It could never be the same again.

I ran intae a wall heid first earlier just tae see if I still bleed like mortals do. I looked at the gash on ma heid, and the blood pouring oot it, and aw the way down ma hairy chin, whilst an imaginary 50s housewife appeared over my shoulder and said “you’ve been in the wars eh!” I looked in the mirror and sighed. The blood wis real, but nothing else is. Its all different maaaaaan. Its all like…..weird n stuff.

Because as I sit here today, a man of 24 years and 362 days, 16 hours and 12 minutes, I sit here as a man who witnessed it end. A man who who looked upon the rubble like a slack jawed windae licker and couldnae comprehend whit he wis seeing. The horror still hasn’t wore aff. The lack of comprehension will never fade. That wee niggling feeling of “why?…why now…and why him” will never fully shift, cause as I type this words tae ye on this solemn Monday evening, I’ve got a bitta bad news for ye mucker. It finally happened. Strap yersell for some news that will change the way you see it aw….cause it happened….

David Otunga has returned to in-ring action.

I know! couldnae fuckin believe ma eyes either. For aw the predictions we seen tossed about for the 3 open slots in the battle royal, there’s wan we didnae anticipate. The lord of litigation himself, Davie Otunga returning, tae steal our hearts and minds. I cannae be the only cunt who missed big Dave surely? Think about it this way, of the two Daves who have returned tae WWE in recent months, who makes ye want tae fly kick the side of yer tele more? Davie O or Davie B? Exactly mate. Welcome back tae the fold Otunga ma man, and here…welcome tae this Wrestlemania 30 review. Strap yersells in and get comfy cause this shit is gonnae get intense baby. I’d love tae tell ye I dont mean hauf the stuff I’m about tae say, and its really not that serious, but trust me..I mean it aw. Every fuckin painstaking horrendous emotion. Nae half measures ma man, this is where the eyes of the world are on wrestling and this is when ye just cannae fuck it up. No in a big way anyway. So its far fae ideal when ye kick off wae Hulk Hogan saying words. A very real and very serious risk if his hauners arent fuckin stellar, and d’ye know whit? They were probably the finest hauners any man has ever had. I dunno if thats pure dumb luck, or they were only sent oot tae save the poor cunt cause he wis dying on his glaikit auld erse, but it didnae matter, cause they formed like Voltron. Before aw that we had some pre-show gidness fae some solid boayzies.

WWE WRESTLEMANIA 30 PREVIEW

Its Mania. It’s the biggest show of the year. Its words about the biggest show of the year. Ye intae it? thats aw I’ve got tae ask ye ma man. Are ye intae it? Is Hulk Hogan gonnae be the hostess wae the mostest or is he gonnae slevver through everything he does and make the whole hing awkward as fuck? Whits Stone Cold gonnae be daein? will it be some backstage pish or is he gonnae stunner every cunt in that battle royal and win it for himself? Whits Brad Maddox gonnae be uptae, apart fae fillin jam jars wae the sweat he wrings oot his boxers? and last but not least, will we see CM Punk? Should we gie a fuck if we dae or no?

Aw these questions will be answered over the course of a 6 hour show. That’s right mate aye, 2 hour pre-show, 4 hour main card. 6 hours. 6 hours and we couldnae get a Cesaro vs Ziggler 60 minute iron man match in there somewhere. It’s a fuckin travesty.

Whitever man…wrestling.

WWE RAW Review 31/3/2014

GONG!

Awrite Taker? I’m no wan for ripping the pish outta legends or that, cept for aw the other times I’ve done exactly that, but Taker gies it the “old guy fawin aboot at the front door while he looks for his keys” stumble on the way in the ring, and gies it the typa patter yer mad uncle hits ye wae when he pulls ye aside at a family party. Haverin some shite here wis he no? jesus fuck man. I hink he bumped this promo straight ootae the wee bin Bray Wyatt keeps in his locker room wae the word “SHITERS!” on it. Apparantely the only things ye can be sure of in life is death, taxes and the streak. The fuckin Undertaker said that. The phenom. A guy I’m sposed tae fear and respect, gien me da patter. Da patter that’s even worse than my ain da’s shite patter.

I cannae even kid ye on, I fuckin hated this for the most part. Its the first angle Heymans been involved in during this run as a manager where I’m no intae his words, and of the 3 folk involved, Brock Lesnar is by far the most entertaining. Screechin aw err the place, and lookin like he’s shat his skants. Heyman gies it some patter, before Brock teases gaun intae the ring. There’s a lot of bobbin aboot ringside and tae me this shit wis draggin fuckin errrrrrrse. Its the last RAW before Mania ffs, lets rumble boayzies! Eventually efter tap dancin for a bit, a Heyman distraction gies Brock the opening tae get in amongst it. He sneaks behind Taker, but Taker is wise tae it and gets a jab or two in, but Brock isnae tae be bested this time. Knocks the auld bag ah bones doon wae a double sledge, before hoisting him up for a quite magnificent F5. Once again Brock fuckin Lesnar is the guy I care the most aboot, which is quite a remarkable turnaround considering I didnae have a minute of time for the cunt a year ago. He wont end the streak, but he left me kinda hoping he does here, so fair play tae the big boulderheided cunt.

WWE RAW Review 10/03/2014

“WE GOT US SOME ANNOUNCEMENTS JACK!”
“It’s Martin…ma name’s Martin”
“Alright brother, we got us a memorial rope trophy royal brother. 30 humans enter a bull pen, and the last man standing turns into Andre The Giant brother, yeah brother Jack”
“Whit you even on aboot?
“I dunno, I blacked out about 10 year ago and everything since has been confusion Jack!”
“Many times dae I huv tae tell ye, ma name’s Martin”
“Yeah brother. Like I told that chick I slayed in that porno movie I was in, if you not Jackin, then you aint my brother Jack! Brother Jack Jack brother, Hulkamaniacs”
“Mate you’re away wae it”
“MEMPHO!!!!!”

WWE RAW Review 03/02/2014

Yer Davie Curren wrote last weeks RAW review as a “heel” so I dunno whit that makes me really. I’ve delivered too many impormptu brainbusters tae ma poor wee dug to ever qualify as a face. So I dunno. I’ll go wae nae angle ataw eh? Just yer usual slangy, sweary, tangent based review of a wrestling show. Infact naw. I’ll do it in the buff. I’m the naked reviewer. Infact nah…that cannae work either, I use a laptop so I cannae succumb tae burny baw syndrome for the sake of having an angle tae review wrestling shows from. Eh…………….I’VE GOT IT!