WWE Wrestlemania 30 Review

Nothing’s the same.

No matter how hard ye try tae sugar coat it, explain it away with logic and clear thinking, and even explain it away wae conspiracy theories if that’s yer thing (it shouldn’t be btw) there’s nae words for it ataw, ye just wake up wae this unshakeable feeling that the course of the world have been altered for good. Yer children will watch something inherently different fae the thing you watched when ye brainwash them intae (not optional) wrestling fandom, yer children’s children probably wont even know about the way it was before ataw, cause by that the internet will become an environment ye can physically enter, and when that becomes the case, everycunts gaun straight for the porn, while the ghosts of wrestling past sit in a wee room. Ignored. Longing for hits. Longing for you to care.

It all changed last night. Nothing’s the same. It could never be the same again.

I ran intae a wall heid first earlier just tae see if I still bleed like mortals do. I looked at the gash on ma heid, and the blood pouring oot it, and aw the way down ma hairy chin, whilst an imaginary 50s housewife appeared over my shoulder and said “you’ve been in the wars eh!” I looked in the mirror and sighed. The blood wis real, but nothing else is. Its all different maaaaaan. Its all like…..weird n stuff.

Because as I sit here today, a man of 24 years and 362 days, 16 hours and 12 minutes, I sit here as a man who witnessed it end. A man who who looked upon the rubble like a slack jawed windae licker and couldnae comprehend whit he wis seeing. The horror still hasn’t wore aff. The lack of comprehension will never fade. That wee niggling feeling of “why?…why now…and why him” will never fully shift, cause as I type this words tae ye on this solemn Monday evening, I’ve got a bitta bad news for ye mucker. It finally happened. Strap yersell for some news that will change the way you see it aw….cause it happened….

David Otunga has returned to in-ring action.

I know! couldnae fuckin believe ma eyes either. For aw the predictions we seen tossed about for the 3 open slots in the battle royal, there’s wan we didnae anticipate. The lord of litigation himself, Davie Otunga returning, tae steal our hearts and minds. I cannae be the only cunt who missed big Dave surely? Think about it this way, of the two Daves who have returned tae WWE in recent months, who makes ye want tae fly kick the side of yer tele more? Davie O or Davie B? Exactly mate. Welcome back tae the fold Otunga ma man, and here…welcome tae this Wrestlemania 30 review. Strap yersells in and get comfy cause this shit is gonnae get intense baby. I’d love tae tell ye I dont mean hauf the stuff I’m about tae say, and its really not that serious, but trust me..I mean it aw. Every fuckin painstaking horrendous emotion. Nae half measures ma man, this is where the eyes of the world are on wrestling and this is when ye just cannae fuck it up. No in a big way anyway. So its far fae ideal when ye kick off wae Hulk Hogan saying words. A very real and very serious risk if his hauners arent fuckin stellar, and d’ye know whit? They were probably the finest hauners any man has ever had. I dunno if thats pure dumb luck, or they were only sent oot tae save the poor cunt cause he wis dying on his glaikit auld erse, but it didnae matter, cause they formed like Voltron. Before aw that we had some pre-show gidness fae some solid boayzies.

WWE WRESTLEMANIA 30 PREVIEW

Its Mania. It’s the biggest show of the year. Its words about the biggest show of the year. Ye intae it? thats aw I’ve got tae ask ye ma man. Are ye intae it? Is Hulk Hogan gonnae be the hostess wae the mostest or is he gonnae slevver through everything he does and make the whole hing awkward as fuck? Whits Stone Cold gonnae be daein? will it be some backstage pish or is he gonnae stunner every cunt in that battle royal and win it for himself? Whits Brad Maddox gonnae be uptae, apart fae fillin jam jars wae the sweat he wrings oot his boxers? and last but not least, will we see CM Punk? Should we gie a fuck if we dae or no?

Aw these questions will be answered over the course of a 6 hour show. That’s right mate aye, 2 hour pre-show, 4 hour main card. 6 hours. 6 hours and we couldnae get a Cesaro vs Ziggler 60 minute iron man match in there somewhere. It’s a fuckin travesty.

Whitever man…wrestling.

WWE RAW Review 31/3/2014

GONG!

Awrite Taker? I’m no wan for ripping the pish outta legends or that, cept for aw the other times I’ve done exactly that, but Taker gies it the “old guy fawin aboot at the front door while he looks for his keys” stumble on the way in the ring, and gies it the typa patter yer mad uncle hits ye wae when he pulls ye aside at a family party. Haverin some shite here wis he no? jesus fuck man. I hink he bumped this promo straight ootae the wee bin Bray Wyatt keeps in his locker room wae the word “SHITERS!” on it. Apparantely the only things ye can be sure of in life is death, taxes and the streak. The fuckin Undertaker said that. The phenom. A guy I’m sposed tae fear and respect, gien me da patter. Da patter that’s even worse than my ain da’s shite patter.

I cannae even kid ye on, I fuckin hated this for the most part. Its the first angle Heymans been involved in during this run as a manager where I’m no intae his words, and of the 3 folk involved, Brock Lesnar is by far the most entertaining. Screechin aw err the place, and lookin like he’s shat his skants. Heyman gies it some patter, before Brock teases gaun intae the ring. There’s a lot of bobbin aboot ringside and tae me this shit wis draggin fuckin errrrrrrse. Its the last RAW before Mania ffs, lets rumble boayzies! Eventually efter tap dancin for a bit, a Heyman distraction gies Brock the opening tae get in amongst it. He sneaks behind Taker, but Taker is wise tae it and gets a jab or two in, but Brock isnae tae be bested this time. Knocks the auld bag ah bones doon wae a double sledge, before hoisting him up for a quite magnificent F5. Once again Brock fuckin Lesnar is the guy I care the most aboot, which is quite a remarkable turnaround considering I didnae have a minute of time for the cunt a year ago. He wont end the streak, but he left me kinda hoping he does here, so fair play tae the big boulderheided cunt.

WWE RAW Review 10/03/2014

“WE GOT US SOME ANNOUNCEMENTS JACK!”
“It’s Martin…ma name’s Martin”
“Alright brother, we got us a memorial rope trophy royal brother. 30 humans enter a bull pen, and the last man standing turns into Andre The Giant brother, yeah brother Jack”
“Whit you even on aboot?
“I dunno, I blacked out about 10 year ago and everything since has been confusion Jack!”
“Many times dae I huv tae tell ye, ma name’s Martin”
“Yeah brother. Like I told that chick I slayed in that porno movie I was in, if you not Jackin, then you aint my brother Jack! Brother Jack Jack brother, Hulkamaniacs”
“Mate you’re away wae it”
“MEMPHO!!!!!”

WWE RAW Review 03/03/2014

LOOOOK IN MA EYEEEEEEEEEEEEZ, WHAT DO YOU SEE?

Paul Heyman. I see Paul Heyman. That’s Paul Heyman so it is.

RAW opened with a pipebomb promo, in Chicago, and the guy who delivered the words came oot tae CM Punks music. Surely they widnae dae that tae us? Surely they widnae dae that tae a crowd who had openly spoken of their desire tae hi-jack the show and disrupt it as much as possible until CM Punk appears. Surely fuckin no, thats just too cruel int it? or it wid be in a universe where I gied a fuck about CM Punk. Naw really, I dont. He’s been away for aboot a year now. and yees need tae just get over it. I don’t sit in ma spare room every night perfecting my lifesized clay mould of him ataw, and I most certainly dont huv his promos playin in the background whilst I stare intently at C(lay) M(ould) Punk  and imagine he’s cuttin them on me. Naw. I dont care mate. You shouldnt either. WHY DID HE LEAVE ME THOUGH?

Heyman comes out tae a chorus of boos, cause this crowd clearly dont understand that Paul Heyman is their da. Button yer fuckin Punk chants and open yer ears. Heyman settles down in the middle of the ring wae the legs crossed, leaving us in nae doubt that he’s either trying hard tae imitate the Pipebomb promo, or he’s showin aff aw the extra flexibility he has since he started power pilates wae Brock.
He’s telling us a wee story about a Paul Heyman guy who they never really wanted. They didnae want him back then, and they dont want him now. His perseverance, and a magnificent balding man named Paul Heyman were his only allies. He’s Chicago born, Chicago raised, and still currently lives there today and his name is…..

WWE Elimination Chamber 2014 Preview

Imagine sitting doon tae preview a WWE PPV and ye find yersell with nothing but hope and a tingling in the testicles for it. A unique proposition tae say that least. Not that I anticipate this being any less arse bursting than most of the PPVs from the tail end of last year, but d’ye know whit? It has the Wyatts vs The Shield, and a wee chance that either Daniel Bryan or Antonio Cesaro could stroll oot wae aw the belts, so for those reason I’m gonnae allow that pure, unfiltered, rarefied optimism tae flow aw the way from ma chest pubes, right down tae ma ball fro.